Hey folks. Last time I wrote a post in Jill and I's blog (mostly Jill's) was in 2011 about the Jeep that I had recently bought. That Jeep has come and gone, but Jill and I are both still here so life is pretty good.
Its been a while since the last post Jill made regarding our struggle with infertility and a lot has happened since then.
Life is funny. Sometimes it's funny like an old episode of I Love Lucy and other times it's funny in a more ironic sense.
We have had a little of both in the last four months.
Shortly after Jill wrote the last blog post we had the shock of a lifetime. After years of trying and sitting in limbo, in between fertility specialists, and just waiting to get back to New York to start a new round of whatever it takes, Jill broke the news that she was pregnant. She had about 10 pregnancy tests to prove it!
Wow! That was quite the shock!
We were surprised, happy, scared, excited, and a million other feelings that I am sure there are words for but I am OK with those. Jill set up the appointments with some wonderful doctors in the Quad Cities and after the first visit we got a confirmation that yup, HCG was there, the pregnancy hormone. We scheduled follow up visits and each time we went in we saw the HCG levels increase, a good sign. Eventually Jill was far enough along that we could do an ultrasound. The first ultrasound we could see normal development, but found out that we were not as far along as we thought, so all we could see was the development sack. We scheduled another ultrasound a week later and we saw that there was growth in the sack, but still too early to see anything else. Again, we scheduled another ultrasound in another week. The next ultrasound came along and we got news that there was still growth, but not as much as was expected, but still within the "normal range". Well that is OK we guessed, normal is normal so lets be positive. Again, another ultrasound in another week. That week wasn't a good week.
This last ultrasound we found out that the growth was outside the normal range, that there was no fetus. No baby.
That was a shock and I honestly didn't know how to react or think about it. I knew I needed to be there for Jill so I played the part, tried to be upbeat and positive, strong in the face of personal and shared tragedy. I kept that up for about 45 minutes.
This hurt and still does. Not in a way that makes me unable to move forward, but in a way that when I think back now I hurt for the loss of what we could have had. The pivotal change of growing our family was starting to form in my mind and then that door closed all of a sudden.
Life is funny. We shared our challenge, got a surprise soon after, but then had that fall through. But, life is also good.
Life is good because of the support we have received individually and together. From one another and from many people reading this.
Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.
For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.
Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?
And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
I have faith that life will work out just the way it should. Children have already been a part of our lives thanks to our friends and siblings who continue to share those special moments that they have with their kids. I love to see them grow up and developing (and expressing!) their personalities. I do wish that Jill and I could be closer to everyone though, but that would be hard since we have friends and family that are each coast and every where in between!
When life has been hard, Jill has been there to help me back up and I have been there to help Jill back up. And sometimes when we have both been down, parents, siblings, friends, and many others have been there to help. Thank you all.
